Behind the Lyrics

Or, as I would like to call this, “Melanie is a big fat stalker whore.”

Melanie was a folk singer who pulled a fast one on the stupid idiots who lived in the seventies by releasing a one-hit wonder called, “Brand New Key”. It came to be known as, “The Rollerskate Song” but it should’ve been known as the “Melanie is a big fat stalker whore song.”

Oh, isn’t that precious! She’s singing about rollerskating! Listen to the happy ass piano and the jaunty guitar riffs and her sing-songy voice!”

Let’s not look at the obvious; this song is about an obsessive slut whore.

Let me break it down for you.

I rode my bicycle past your window last night
I rollerskated to your door at daylight
It almost seems like you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone, but you got something I need

Okay, first of all, can you say, STALKER?!!! She takes her bike, not her car BECAUSE CARS ARE LOUDER THAN BIKES! (This bitch is SMART!) AND she bikes past his WINDOW! Not just his house, but his friggin’ window! I mean, who does that?

THEN, if night-biking wasn’t enough, in the morning, she ROLLERSKATES to his house; let’s get Seth and Amy here for a second: “Really? You roller skate to his house when it’s daylight? Really? How early are we talking? Crack o’ dawn? Did you run into the paperboy? Did your bike get a flat because you ran over something IN THE DARK last night? Walking too bourgeois? Really?" Wow. Your enthusiasm is impressive, I must say.

It almost seems like you’re avoiding me…” PAHAHAHAHA! No. Why would he be avoiding you? He loves when chicks use their younger sibling’s modes of transportation to stalk him. Your restraining order is in the mail.

You don’t sound like you are okay alone. If you were okay alone you would be roller skating in your driveway or riding your bike to 7-11 to get a Slurpee or an Its-It or something. You wouldn’t be BOTHERING THE FUCK OUT OF THE DUDE IN THE HOUSE.

Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key
I think that we should get together and try them out you see
I been looking around awhile
You got something for me
Oh! I got a brand new pair of roller skates
You got a brand new key

I think the dude made a mistake in telling you about his new key. Although, he was probably just being polite and trying to curtail your crazy because you probably jumped out from behind a bush like the nutty chick fan on Flight of the Conchords and he was like, “Oh fuck, not this crazy bitch again.” And you were rambling about your new roller skates and how you guys should go break them in and what not and he was like, no sudden movements and he probably even promised you he’d bring his key so you could try out your skates and crap just so you’d leave him alone.

But really, all of this brand new roller skates and key business is just a metaphor for sex. Her roller skates being ‘brand new’ means that she is a virgin. His brand new key means he is a virgin too. Getting together and trying them out is code for the verb version of the eff word. She’s been looking around awhile means she’s been honing in on the dude she wants to take her cherry.

It’s all so obvious.

I ride my bike, I roller skate, don't drive no car
Don't go too fast, but I go pretty far
For somebody who don't drive
I been all around the world
Some people say, I done all right for a girl

This entire verse is really the whore cornerstone of the song, the “whorenerstone” if you will. What she is trying to tell you in her ‘save the earth, screw toxic emissions’ way, is that she is a virgin. She is so proud of not driving (screwing) yet she’s, “been all around the world”. Um. This means she gives every input BUT the babymaker. She “doesn’t go too fast, but goes pretty far”. Do you hear me now? The ‘some people’ that say she ‘done all right for a girl’ are all the dudes that took turns on her. She’s proud of her virginity (and I use the term loosely) but now she’s ready to give it to the key guy. SHE WANTS HIS KEY IN HER ROLLER SKATE!

Chorus repeats

I asked your mother if you were at home
She said, yes. but you weren't alone
Oh, sometimes I think that you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone, but you've got something I need

It’s obvious by this verse that his mom is not very fond of the rollerskating stalker and is helping out her son by inferring he is with another chick. The mom probably answered the door while holding a can of mace behind her back. Yes, you can safely assume he is avoiding you. Don’t just think this ‘sometimes’ just know this all of the time.

I’m okay alone” probably is an allusion to masturbation.

Chorus, repeats. Add some la la la’s. etc.

I’m sorry. I just needed to get that out of my system. I felt I had to pull the curtain back. I feel better now.

And yes, I spend way too much time thinking about useless shizz like this.

Now, excuse me while I go rollerskating in my very old pair of skates that aren't brand new at all.


  1. this aint the uk biotch... put the periods inside the quotes... also... great post... also... i dont care where you have your periods...

  2. Sorry. I try to mix it up a bit, some USA, some UK, you know... Also, I am on my period right now. Where do I put that?

  3. I'm having what alcoholics refer to as a "moment of clarity". I suddenly understand every song I've ever heard. They were ALL about sex! Hahahaha!!! Holy shit, no wonder there are 9 billion people on the planet.
    Hahaha, ewwww, everybody is doing it and singing about it and doing it and doing it and doing it! WTF!!!!!